Meet The Layers

Who are the layers? Four men who would, were it not for a simple lack of balaclavas, probably be robbing a Post Office near you. Instead, their maladjusted energies were channelled into music...

If the Layers were a car, they would be one of those giant, rear-engine Italian supercars. Unreliability? Loud, unpredictable noises? No – for the giant, restless power plant of Rupert driving the band along on drums from the back.

Actor, musician, electrician and dry-cleaner, the Layers' drummer has more personality than most people can manage without resorting to schizophrenia and is very much the heart of the band. The most senior Layer by a slim margin, his youthful looks suggest a soul at peace with the world – or possibly an oil painting of a ropey-looking geezer in the attic. However he maintains his zest, the Layers just wouldn't be without his drumming, backing vocals and boundless energy.

In addition to his creative talents, Roo has a Frisbee throw that would make a ninja jealous. Rumour has it that he's known to many ladies as 'The Python' – sadly due to his habit of sloughing his skin on their carpets.

Found in a meteor crater in a Kansas wheat field, only the absence of any noticeable super powers barred Caleb from a more sensational life. As it was, destiny rewarded him with an upbringing in West Swindon and then cursed him with a career in IT. Or possibly vice-versa. As it was, his powers only started to manifest themselves fully once he picked up a stringed instrument. Caleb's first musical performances were on the cello, earning him kudos and space on stage at the Royal Albert Hall but not the underwear-hurling fans that he craved, so he turned to the guitar.

Legend has it that Caleb pulled his first guitar from a rock to fulfil an ancient and terrible prophecy. Actually, he nicked it from the locker of an ancient and terrible Lost Prophets covers band but let's not quibble – what matters is that he started playing the guitar.

Now guitarist, backing vocalist and composer, Caleb is the greatest (at least in terms of size – no mean feat) of the Layers. His laid-back demeanour on stage disguises a razor wit and a mind like a steel trap – rusty and smelling oddly of rats.

Caleb has a hankering for a cool musical nickname, so – suggestions welcome.

Bassist Paul enjoyed a colourful and varied past before joining the Layers. With his lucky hat and trusty bullwhip, he single-handedly rescued the Ark of the Covenant from the Nazis before the gas wore off and he discovered he'd had a fresh kidney put in. This being the NHS, he'd gone in for ingrown toenails but now finds that with 3 kidneys, he can drink 1.5 times as fast so reckons he's come out ahead of the game. Currently employed in the construction industry, he also owns his own hard hat, which comes in handy in rough venues.

Paul has played with all sorts of bands in the South of the UK and brings a fertile blend of styles into the Layers. In addition to forming a solid rhythm section with Roo, Paul's backing vocals add to the Layers' sound.

Paul is recently married, although rumours that this news sparked a mass suicide amongst female fans are somewhat inaccurate. In fact they were lemmings, not fans, and although suicide was suspected, the inquest was unable to reach a firm verdict. The wedding was a beautiful affair, marred only slightly by the rest of the band showing up.

The most recent and thinnest of the Layers, almost a veneer, in fact, is singer and rhythm guitarist Neil. A former engineer now employed (as opposed to working) in education, Neil started learning to play the guitar at nineteen - until the bloke at twenty-one came round and threatened to shove it up his arse.

Anyone who heard him play the guitar labelled him a natural vocalist, so plying his trade thus he played with Wheels, the Asbestos Blues Band and Cain, amongst others, before finding his place in the Layers.

Much of his early life is shrouded in bullshit but a close study of his lyrics reveals him to be a lover of sports and the outdoors, a reader, writer and a chronic and unrepentant plagiarist. Neil is a man of many parts (some of them surprisingly large) loosely held together with scar tissue and gaffer tape. He describes himself as 'male, GSOH, frequent organ donor.' His case comes up next Tuesday.